I knew something was wrong when I sat down and immediately stood back up like the chair insulted my ancestors. Suddenly I’m hovering over couches, Googling “Is sitting optional?” and bribing my digestive system with prunes like a shady landlord.
Anal pain is the ultimate ambush—private, dramatic, and somehow loud enough that your soul files an HR complaint. One minute you’re living life, the next minute your rear end is yelling, “THIS WORKPLACE IS UNSAFE.”
The Science (Explained Like We’re Both Tired)
Hemorrhoids: swollen veins from straining, constipation, or sitting forever. Imagine tiny overinflated grapes staging a protest.
Fissures: microscopic tears from hard stool. Paper cuts… in a place that deserves hazard pay.
Muscle spasms: surprise contractions that feel like your butt tried espresso shots at midnight.
Because the area is loaded with nerves, even small problems feel like Broadway-level drama.
The Fix (3 Moves Your Butt Will Respect)
Bonus: gentle wipes, no heroic straining, move around more, and see a doctor if there’s bleeding or pain that won’t clock out.
The Sign-off
Treat your butt like royalty: hydrate it, feed it fiber, and stop making it work overtime. Revolutions are messy.
👉 If it hurts, we can help. Join ItHurts.com—the first social network for pain—where we swap tips, tiny wins, and jokes that make sitting slightly less terrifying.