OUCH FILES: Anal Pain My Butt Started a Union: Negotiations Have Failed I knew something was wrong when I sat down and immediately stood back up like the chair insulted my ancestors. Suddenly I’m hovering over couches, Googling “Is sitting optional?” and bribing my digestive system with prunes like a shady landlord. Anal pain is the ultimate ambush—private, dramatic, and somehow loud enough that your soul files an HR complaint. One minute you’re living life, the next minute your rear end is yelling, “THIS WORKPLACE IS UNSAFE.” The Science (Explained Like We’re Both Tired) Hemorrhoids: swollen veins from straining, constipation, or sitting forever. Imagine tiny overinflated grapes staging a protest. Fissures: microscopic tears from hard stool. Paper cuts… in a place that deserves hazard pay. Muscle spasms: surprise contractions that feel like your butt tried espresso shots at midnight. Because the area is loaded with nerves, even small problems feel like Broadway-level drama. The Fix (3 Moves Your Butt Will Respect) 1. Quit Doom-Scrolling on the Toilet 🚽 Extra sitting = extra pressure = angrier hemorrhoids. Clock in, clock out. 2. Feed the Exit Strategy 🥬 Fiber (25–35g/day) + water softens stool so you’re not delivering bricks through a keyhole. 3. Give It a Tiny Spa Day 🛁 Warm sitz baths relax muscles, calm swelling, and whisper, “It’s okay, drama queen.” Bonus: gentle wipes, no heroic straining, move around more, and see a doctor if there’s bleeding or pain that won’t clock out. The Sign-off Treat your butt like royalty: hydrate it, feed it fiber, and stop making it work overtime. Revolutions are messy. 👉 If it hurts, we can help. Join ItHurts.com—the first social network for pain—where we swap tips, tiny wins, and jokes that make sitting slightly less terrifying. Join the ItHurts Community Join Now Disclaimer: Enjoy the “Ouch” Files for the laughs and the lessons, but treat us like a witty friend rather than a diagnostic tool. We aren’t doctors, and our stories are no substitute for a professional in a white coat.
Written by mariadean